The no contact rule means cutting every line of communication with someone who has hurt you: no calls, no messages, no checking their social media and no news passed through friends. The few channels you genuinely cannot close, such as children, a solicitor or a shared tenancy, become short, written and purely factual. It is not a punishment. It is the condition that lets you recover from narcissistic abuse.
To follow the no contact rule, decide which channels you must keep, close every other one in a single sitting, write one neutral sentence for the channels that stay open, and plan in advance what you will do when the urge to reach out or the hoover arrives. Hold that for at least 90 days before judging how it is going. If you share children, use a structured written channel instead of full silence. If there is any violence or stalking, plan with a specialist before you cut anything off.
The recovery guide explains what no contact is and why it works. This page is the practical part: the steps, the scripts, and what to do on the days it falls apart. If you are still in the relationship and frightened of how they will react, read how to leave safely first, because leaving changes the order of everything below.
How Do You Follow the No Contact Rule?#
Do it as a series of decisions made once, while you are calm, so you are not making them again at 11pm. Seven steps, each with what it looks like in real life.
1. List the channels you must keep. Children, legal matters, shared property, work. Everything not on that list closes. What this looks like: "Parenting app for handovers. Solicitor for the house. Nothing else."
2. Close everything else in one sitting. Block their number, every messaging app and email address. Unfollow and block on social media, including the second accounts. Doing it all at once stops you bargaining with yourself one channel at a time. What this looks like: a Sunday afternoon, a cup of tea, twenty minutes with your phone, and one friend on the other end of a text.
3. Audit your phone and your home. In my book Why Love Hurts I call this auditing your phone, and I mean it literally. Archive the photos, delete the message threads you reread, and put the gifts in a box in the loft. The aim is fewer accidental triggers, not erasing your past. What this looks like: the photos moved into a folder you have to go looking for, not deleted forever if you are not ready for that.
4. Write your one sentence for the channels that stay open. See the scripts below.
5. Tell one person. One friend who knows the plan and will not pass messages either way. Not the whole family group chat.
6. Write a "read this first" note. Three lines in your phone for the moment you want to make contact: what the last bad stretch really looked like, why you are doing this, and what you want your life to look like in a year.
7. Decide your hoover plan now. No reply, screenshot if it might matter later, and tell your one person. Set out below.
What Do I Say If I Have to Reply?#
As little as possible, in writing, about logistics only. Pick one sentence and send it every time. You are not being cold. You are being predictable, and there is nothing in a predictable reply for anyone to argue with.
| Channel | One-line script |
|---|---|
| Handovers | "I'll confirm Saturday's pick-up time by Thursday." |
| A message about feelings or the past | No reply. If a reply is legally needed: "I'll only discuss arrangements for the children." |
| Shared property or bills | "Please send that to my solicitor." |
| "Can we just talk?" | No reply. |
| A mutual friend asking for them | "I'd rather not pass messages, but thanks for checking on me." |
| Work | "Please put that in an email and I'll respond in working hours." |
Reply in your own time. A 24 to 48-hour window for anything non-urgent teaches both of you that their message does not set your pace.
Not sure if this is what you're living with?
Fifteen honest questions that help you see the pattern rather than the person. Nothing is stored, nothing is a diagnosis — it's a mirror, not a verdict.
See the pattern more clearlyWhat Do You Do When They Try to Pull You Back?#
Expect it. Hoovering, the charm, the crisis or the anger that arrives once access is lost, is common, and it often lands at the moments it will hurt most: birthdays, anniversaries, the week you finally feel better. It is a reaction to losing access, not a sign that they have changed.
The plan you set in step 7 does the work: no reply on any channel, screenshot if it might matter, tell your one person, then do something with your body. Walk, shower, ring a friend. The urge passes much faster when you do not act on it.
In that video I describe the out-of-the-blue message as a grenade thrown into your life. My first advice is still the same: do not react. Put the phone down, step away, and notice what is happening in your body, whether that is shock, a churning stomach or old romantic hope flooding back. Then ask yourself one question: is this helpful? A response chosen with a clear head is a different act from a reaction fired off in the moment, and most of the time the response you choose will be none at all.
Social Media, Mutual Friends and Their Family#
This is where most no contact quietly leaks. Watching their stories, checking who they follow, posting a photo and waiting to see if they view it: all of it is contact, and all of it keeps you thinking about them. People sometimes tell me they are constantly triggered, while still following the person, their new partner and their sister. The trigger has an address, and you are allowed to close it.
So unfollow, block and mute, including their close friends and family where those accounts keep pulling you back. With mutual friends, a single sentence is enough: "I'm not in touch with them and I'd rather not hear updates." A friend who keeps bringing news, in either direction, can be seen less for a while.
What If Full No Contact Isn't Possible?#
Sometimes cutting someone off completely is not realistic or not what you want: a parent you are not ready to lose, a sibling at every family event, a colleague. In those cases there is a middle path I call a superficially fine relationship. You stay polite and pleasant on the surface, but you share nothing personal, keep the time short and keep it in public. They get courtesy, not access.
When they push for more, the grey rock method is the tool: brief, factual, dull. My video article on grey rocking tactics has ten ways to do it. Low contact is not a lesser choice. It is the strictest version your circumstances allow.
Can You Go No Contact If You Share Children?#
Not completely, and you should not try. Your children are entitled to their arrangements, and the court expects them to work. What you can do is make contact with the other parent as close to zero as possible, which is often called parallel parenting.
- One written channel. A co-parenting app or a single email address. No phone calls, no texts about anything else.
- Logistics only. Times, places, school, health. Nothing about the relationship.
- Handovers that are short and public, or through school or a trusted third person where that is safer.
- Your own boundaries and your own records. Keep a dated log of missed handovers or abusive messages for your solicitor. Record only what happens to you.
- Keep the children out of it. Never ask them what happens at the other house, and never pass messages through them. Their relationship with both parents is theirs, not a channel for you or the other parent.
The co-parenting guide covers courts, apps and handovers in more depth.
“Healing isn't just about escaping abuse — it's about discovering who you truly are.”
How Long Is the No Contact Rule?#
Give it at least 90 days before you judge how it is going. That is a common rule of thumb rather than a research finding, but it gives the sharpest early withdrawal time to ease before you decide anything. After that, most people find they no longer want an end date. When the relationship was abusive, no contact is usually open-ended. It is the new normal, not a timer you are counting down.
Why so long? Bonds formed through cycles of cruelty and affection, which researchers call traumatic bonding, are unusually strong. Dutton and Painter (1993) found that it is the unpredictable swing between bad and good treatment that makes this kind of attachment so powerful. Each bit of contact brings back a little of that unpredictability. Trauma recovery also starts with safety. Judith Herman's model puts it first, and NICE's PTSD guidance follows the same principle. Ongoing contact keeps your nervous system on alert, so the healing waits.
I Broke No Contact. Do I Have to Start Again?#
You do not lose what you have learned. You restart the clock, not the recovery. One slip after six weeks does not wipe out six weeks of a calmer nervous system.
What to do the same day: close the channel again without any speech, reread your note, tell your one person, and get curious rather than cruel with yourself. What set it off? A date, a loneliness spike, a message that looked like a crisis? That trigger is exactly what your plan needs to cover next time. Shame is not a recovery tool. It tends to push people back towards the person who caused it. The how to get over a narcissist guide covers the inner work that makes slips less frequent.
When No Contact Isn't Safe to Announce#
If there has been violence, threats, stalking, or behaviour that frightens you, a sudden, announced cutoff can be the most dangerous moment, because it is the moment they visibly lose control. In that situation:
- Do not announce no contact or confront them. Plan first with the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (free, 24 hours, run by Refuge), or call 999 if you are in danger now.
- Keep records of what reaches you, stored somewhere they cannot get to, but do not monitor them, provoke them or retaliate. Revenge keeps you tied to them and can put you at risk.
- If they have ever had access to your phone or accounts, change passwords from a safe device first.
The support page lists more free UK helplines and safe-browsing tips.
The Short Version#
No contact is a set of decisions you make once and then keep: list the channels you must keep, close the rest, use one sentence, have a plan for the hoover, and give it 90 days. If it slips, close it again. If it is not safe, plan with a specialist first. If you would like support while you hold it, working with me is one option. You do not have to do this alone.
Where this leaves you
You have the pattern now. What you do with it is the work — and it rarely has to be done alone.
If you would rather think it through with someone, book a conversation with Keeley.
You understand it now. This is where you stop coping and start healing.
A structured programme for people who know what they're dealing with and still feel stuck — with Keeley in the room, not a login and a video library.
- GroupLive coaching & goal-setting with Keeley
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Frequently asked questions
The questions readers ask most about the no contact rule.
Should I tell them I'm going no contact?
Usually no. An announcement invites a negotiation, and with someone who manipulates, a negotiation is the most dangerous place to be: it becomes a long conversation about whether you are allowed to leave the conversation. You do not owe anyone advance notice of a boundary that protects your health. The exception is a channel you must keep, such as parenting or a solicitor, where one neutral line explaining that you will only use that channel is enough. And where there is any violence, threat or stalking, do not announce anything until you have spoken to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
Is blocking someone childish or petty?
No. Blocking is a practical step, not a statement. People often stop themselves because they do not want the other person to think they have "won", or because blocking feels dramatic. But a block mostly protects you from yourself: from the late-night check, the reread messages, the hope that flickers when their name lights up your phone. Treat it like taking the biscuits out of the house when you are trying to cut down. It is not about them at all.
What if they contact me from a new number or account?
Treat it exactly like the old one: no reply, block the new route, and keep a dated screenshot. A new account created after you have blocked someone is information about their behaviour, not an invitation. If it keeps happening, or they turn up at your home or work, that pattern can amount to harassment, and it is worth talking it through with the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or the police. Keep a simple log of dates and channels, but do not go looking for their accounts to gather it. Record only what reaches you.
Does no contact include their family and friends?
Usually it needs to, at least for a while. Their mother, their best friend and the mutual group chat are all routes that information travels down in both directions. You do not need to make a speech to anyone. You simply stop asking about them and stop sharing your news, and you mute or step back from people who keep acting as a go-between. Some of those relationships can be rebuilt later on new terms, once you are steadier.
Sources
- Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
- Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.
- National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (2018). Post-traumatic stress disorder (NICE guideline NG116). nice.org.uk/guidance/ng116
- Refuge. National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247. nationaldahelpline.org.uk